WinsomePony

animalstalkinginallcaps:

MY FIONA APPLE TICKETS CAME IN THE MAIL!

animalstalkinginallcaps:

I CAN BARELY KEEP MY EYES OPEN. SOMETIMES I THINK MY SICK DANCE MOVES AND DEVASTATING ONE-LINERS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

ROUGH NIGHT AT THE CLUB?

EVERY NIGHT. I’M LIKE THE UNHOLY LOVE CHILD OF USHER AND BILL HICKS.

I UPDATED ALL MY SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES AND WROTE 42 PAGES OF STEAMY FANFICTION SO I’M FAIRLY TUCKERED OUT MYSELF.

YOU WANT TO JUST ORDER IN AND WATCH FASSBENDER’S PENIS?

DO YOU MEAN SHAME STARRING MICHAEL FASSBENDER?

THAT’S WHAT I SAID.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

DOES THIS REMIND ANYONE ELSE OF MY EX BOYFRIEND?

animalstalkinginallcaps:

THERE AIN’T NOTHING GOOD ON TV NO MORE. FALCON CREST, THAT WAS A SHOW. KNOT’S LANDING. GOOD OLD DYNASTY.

WHAT IS THIS SHOW, EVEN? SIXTEEN AND PREGNANT? SHIT, THAT AIN’T IMPRESSIVE. I HAD FOURTEEN KIDS BY THE TIME I WAS FIVE. 

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HONEY, PLEASE TALK TO HIM. HE HASN’T COME OUT OF HIS ROOM SINCE I CAUGHT HIM MASTURBATING.

WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CALLING THAT A ROOM?

UNTIL YOU GET THAT RAISE AT WORK IT’S THE CLOSEST WE’RE GOING TO GET.

OH, THIS AGAIN? SO NOW THIS IS MY FAULT?

I DIDN’T MARRY YOU SO WE COULD LIVE ON THIS GOSHFORSAKEN … POST IN THE GROUND! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE IN A TREE! WITH BIG LOOSE PIECES OF BARK TO REST UNDER!

LISTEN HERE, PRINCESS, NOBODY LIVES ON A TREE ON MY SALARY, SO WHY DON’T YOU GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND OUT OF TIMMY’S LOVE LIFE AND GO GET A JOB.

THIS IS A KITCHEN NOW?

TWO CAN PLAY YOUR LITTLE GAME, BABE.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

NOT TONIGHT, JERRY. YOU SMELL LIKE A DISTILLERY.

Cool new Indie Game Available for IGN Prime members (maybe I should join)!

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HELLO, AND WELCOME. IT’S GOOD TO SEE SO MANY SMILING FACES IN THE PEWS TODAY. NOW, IT’S IMPORTANT THAT WE GET BACK TO GOOD OLD FASHIONED CHRISTIAN VALUES IN THIS COUNTRY, AND I THINK THE BEST WAY WE CAN DO THAT IS TO FOCUS ON THE PARTS OF THE BIBLE THAT OCCUR BEFORE CHRIST. THAT’S WHY WE’RE CHRISTIANS. BECAUSE CHRIST ISN’T IMPORTANT. WE NEED TO FOCUS ON THE PRIMITIVE, SUPERSTITIOUS, DEPLORABLE PARTS OF THE OLD TESTAMENT THAT ALLOW US TO BE AS FAR REMOVED FROM THE NAMESAKE OF OUR CHOSEN RELIGION AS POSSIBLE SO THAT WE DON’T HAVE TO DO THINGS LIKE EXPLAIN GAY PEOPLE OR ECONOMIC DISPARITY TO OUR KIDS WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY SHITTING ON THE POOR AND REDUCING WOMEN AND BLACKS TO THE LEVEL OF PROPERTY, STRIPPED OF THEIR HARD-WON RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS.

WHAT WE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT DO IS ACKNOWLEDGE THE TEACHINGS AND WISDOM OF THE NEW TESTAMENT, WHICH IS THE BOOK OUR RELIGION DRAWS ITS NAME FROM. THAT WOULD JUST BE SILLY, AND WE’D HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO … EVERYONE, BASICALLY, FOR BEING ENORMOUS, UNREPENTANT ASSHOLES WHO PLACE PERSONAL PROFIT AND COMFORT OVER THE RIGHTS AND NEEDS OF THE MANY.

I CAN SEE A LOT OF YOU HERE TODAY ARE GOING TO START ASKING THE SAME KIND OF QUESTIONS THAT GOT JESUS IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, AND I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU: WHAT ARE YOU, SOCIALISTS? STOP ROCKING THE BOAT. IF YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE THEN THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON. AMEN.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

IT’S CALLED FOUR LOKO, NOT FOUR TRANQUILO, OFFICER.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE MY CLOTHES ARE?

SO DO I.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

JUST STOP, OKAY? IT ISN’T REALLY A DEBATABLE TOPIC. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CONVINCE ME I LIKE THE BAND BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING EARS AND PERSONAL TASTE. I LISTENED TO THE RECORD. I DON’T ENJOY IT. ONLY ONE OF US IS WILLING TO SUFFER THROUGH BANAL MUSICAL TRENDS AND SHIT LIKE KREAYSHAWN SO THEY LOOK ‘ZEITGEISTY’ AND IT ISN’T ME.

I NEVER LIKED KREAYSHAWN.

I KNOW. THAT WAS MEAN OF ME AND I’M SORRY.

helllooo nurse!

(via starbuck92)

omg lol

(via starbuck92)

militaryheroes:

U.S. Navy photo by Senior Chief Michael W. Martin

(via starbuck92)

Today’s More Mary Monday is brought to you by a pink dress that needs to be shredded and burned, Mary’s awkward!turtle and her inability to dress herself without showing her bra. 

omg

(via starbuck92)

starbuck92:

bellecs:

heartthrobbstark:

*headdesk x infinity*

kids these days…